Domestipithecus

…and end before the end. This is something a screenwriting teacher told me, years ago. So, I am beginning after we have begun and we’ll just wait and see where I end.

I haven’t written here for almost two years. Some of it was due to lack of desire and some was due to things being a little too depressing/personal to put out there for all to read. I began to realize that I was constantly searching for people with similar experiences and problems, and there are very few out there with my issues. Generally, there are a lot of people going through the same thing, but when I get down to more specific problems and experiences, not so many. I thought if I shared my story, then maybe I could help someone out there who is searching.

I had started to share things on a private journal that only my closest friends could see and I felt judged there. So I stopped. The thing is, I know I will be judged even more here, strangers on the internet feel empowered to say things that are just outright cruel, and intended to be so. I figure it’s easier to ignore the meanness of strangers than the cruelty of friends.

So here it is: Mr Pithecus and I have been trying to get pregnant for a couple years now. At first, just by charting and timing. For the last 8 months we have been seeing a fertility and reproductive specialist.

I am 40 years old and going through “menopause transition” or what most people know as peri-menopause. The first time I was tested, I had an FSH of 98. FSH stands for Follicle Stimulating Hormone. A young, healthy woman should have an FSH level under 10. Basically, this is the hormone that tells your ovaries to stimulate follicles to produce an egg. Mine is high because my egg quality/reserve is so low/bad that the hormone is basically putting the pedal to the metal to try and crank one out.

Luckily for me, I am still having regular cycles, with the exception of maybe twice a year I skip a cycle. Also lucky for me that my RE (Reproductive Endocrinologist) would even treat me. Lots of women with an FSH level above a 12 get turned away from fertility clinics, or told their only hope to get pregnant is donor eggs.

I also have what is called a luteal phase defect.

What is a luteal phase defect? Well the luteal phase is the 14 days after ovulation. If an egg is fertilized it can take anywhere from 5 – 12 days to implant. My luteal phase is only 10 days naturally. This means that even if I have a fertilized egg, the chances of implantation drop because I will begin my menses early, possibly before the fertilized egg has a chance to implant.

So, I get internal ultrasounds, and blood work every 3 days during the first part of my cycle. Mr. Pithecus has to give me a shot in the stomach every day (some cycles twice a day) to try and grow the follicle(s). If there is a viable follicle, I get a trigger shot (forces ovulation – and those one hurt a lot) and then I have to use vaginal progesterone suppositories 2 – 3 times a day, depending on which one I use (gel or chalky pill thing). I am also now getting acupuncture, taking herbs and supplements and have been recently been diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis and vitamin D deficiency.

Now that I have all that out of the way, I need to add just a bit more.

I am an atheist.

I’m not normally so “out” about it but I am telling you this for a few reasons. I do not want anyone to tell me they are praying for me. I do not believe that “god has a plan” and I do not believe that anything, least of all my infertility, was “meant to be”. If you have the urge to comment with any of these things, please, just take my blog off your reading list and don’t come back. And, if you are one of those that would say that my not believing in god is what is causing my infertility, that I am being punished… I don’t even know what to say to you.

And don’t worry, I will still be crafting and cooking and posting here about all that. Writing things down here is part of me trying to take my life back (more on that later).