So what have I been up to lately?
San Diego Comic Con, trip back east to my sister’s bridal shower, Las Vegas Star Trek Creation Con and I start school Monday.
I have not had any fertility treatment or anything related since I last posted. I did have awesome SDCC nails that I will post.
My trigeminal neuralgia is getting worse (it seems), my thyroid numbers are up, and I my last 2 cycles have lasted 5+weeks. This one is at 5 weeks and 3 days so far. I am pretty sure my chances at pregnancy are gone.
My sister-in-law is about to give birth (due Sept 8), my other friend found out she’s having a girl. My other close friend had a little girl named Giada. She’s beautiful. I will cry when I see her (I haven’t yet, travel and they are waiting some time for visitors that aren’t family) and my friend will understand. I am positive no one will understand me crying when my SiL has hers, so I don’t know how I will handle that.
Should I fake being sick so I can’t be near a newborn? But that will make me feel even more ostracized. I know they don’t mean to, but I feel like I don’t belong anymore. This baby is going to be the center of everything and I can’t be as over the moon ecstatic about it as everyone, and I know they won’t get it. And I suppose they shouldn’t have to. They should be over the moon ecstatic. It’s a baby. A new life in the family. It’s wonderful. But all I want to do is hide and cry and pretend it isn’t happening.
They shouldn’t have to think about me, or worry about me at a time like this. But I fear my absence would not only make <i>me</i> feel worse, it would feel like a slight to them. I am stuck. I am stuck between wurtzite boron nitride and lonsdaleite.
Something I wrote elsewhere:
| I want a family so badly. I want to camp in our backyard and have them tell me they hate me because I won’t buy them -insert whatever is cool and popular-. I want to teach them to walk and watch them discover who they are. I want to argue with them about what I think is best. I want them to yell at me and tell me that they like their father better. I want them to yell at Mr P and tell him they like me better (I know it would depend on which way the wind was blowing). I want to love them unconditionally and let them go when it’s time. |
Ah well. Focus on school I guess.