I found out that my MRI was clear and “unremarkable.” I have never been so happy to be called unremarkable. However, this means there is no apparent cause for the trigeminal neuralgia, so we just get to wait and see if the pain goes away. I’m terrified it won’t. And that is a real possibility.
My cycle ended and a new one began on July 19th. Just in time for me to get to the doctor before I left for San Diego Comic Con. I went in on day 2 of my cycle and the ultrasound said my ovaries were quiet. But at least I knew what was going on. If I had started my cycle the next day, I would have been down in SD and not able to even know what was going on.
Then my doctor called me (I missed the call, but she left a vm) and told me that my FSH was high (24) and that my TSH (thyroid stimulating hormone – works the same as FSH except for the thyroid) was also elevated (3.24). Now this doesn’t seem like a lot, but I have done some digging and usually, the optimal level for TSH when trying to get pregnant is 2.0 or below.
My acupuncturist had been on me about my thyroid being off so often that I have been tested (full panel) twice in the last 6 months or so. Everything was “normal” for those. However, my BBT is always low. Always. My typical chart is below 97.18 (dipping down to 96.34 – sometimes even lower) before ovulation and my baseline is 97.45, which is basically where I should be before ovulation. Now, I have a test result that says “hey, something may be up in your thyroid.
So we are doing another “natural” cycle this time. Which to me means another cycle of not getting pregnant. I am positive I will not get pregnant without some science to help me along.
I’m trying to pull all these things together. Infertility, rheumatoid arthritis, trigeminal neuralgia, high TSH, high FSH, low BBT… my hair is falling out. Not in clumps but it’s definitely falling out. I stopped taking the DHEA about a week or more ago. I think that could be fucking my things up as well. And obviously it didn’t help with my egg production.
I know that soon I am going to have to face the fact that I can’t ever get pregnant. But when I think about that, all the wind goes out of my lungs and I feel like I am going to die. So I have to hold on. I have to hold on to the hope that I am not so broken as to not be able to do the one thing that is supposed to be the reason for being part of this species. Procreating to perpetuate the species.
Mr. Pithecus was talking to a friend recently. We briefly talked about our problems conceiving and then Mr P said, “If we could have a child, we could make the world a beter place.” It broke my heart and made me love him a million times more than I already did. I don’t know that us having a child could make the world a better place, but with a man like Mr P as a dad… it may just be possible.